Wednesday, September 28, 2011

You Gotta be Sick to Watch This!

Watching the network evening news has gotten sickening. It's not Katie or Brian or Charlie or even the news coverage itself that's causing the discomfort--it's the commercials that air during the news that are making me wince.
If someone from another country or another planet's only impression of Americans came from the commercials played during the network evening news, they'd think we were an extremely unhealthy bunch. We're either always in the bathroom or we can't go. Our bones are getting soft and our stools are too hard. Our eyes are always dry and our noses always run. We can't breathe without an inhaler, can't control our cholesterol without a pill. We need a gel to desensitize our teeth, if we're lucky enough to have our own, or stronger glue to keep our fake teeth from falling out. We can't sleep so we take pills to help us nod off, and to relieve the stress we all seem to suffer from, we need special beds that promise ‘nighttime renewal' which is, I suppose, w ay better than a mere goodnight's sleep.
And if all this gives you heartburn, there's a pill for that in a new mint flavor.
As bad as our health conditions are, for which there seems to be endless remedies, some even promising that the first prescription is free, the advertised side-effects are even more sickening. Be prepared to welcome burping, loss of senses, flu-like symptoms, headaches, nausea, temporary hearing and vision loss, nose bleeds, coughing spells, and temporary burning in exchange for the symptoms you used to have. That'll cure what ails ya!
If you're lucky enough to live through all this and get gray hair, don't worry, there's a cure for that. And if you believe the commercials, once you remove that gray, you'll start surfing and playing in a rock band with a trophy wife.
And men, we get the ultimate humiliation as those ubiquitous ads make it appear that we're all erectile dysfunctional! No wonder the demos for the evening network news are so old--- what daughter or son wants to sit through endless commercials that remind them that their parents might still be, well, you know, and that dad probably needs help in that area!
And now there's something new----a daily pill for those with ED, so there's no chance any man will be left with his pants down, so to speak, when it comes to romance. And although those with ED do have that possible 4-hour side-effect to worry about, which probably sells as many of the pills as anything else I can think of, it has eliminated the prospect of any morning desires. Who wants to be calling the boss at 9am explaining why they can't be in the office until lunch time?

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