Animals Behaving Badly

I’m convinced animals are out to get us humans. The tipping point for me was the recent story about a hiker in Washington State being killed by a goat, potentially the first fatal attack on a human by a goat ever recorded. How does a goat kill someone? Officials aren’t exactly sure. One theory is the man was bent over smelling flowers when the goat head butted him. Witnesses say the goat stared down people trying to help. Hollywood’s  negotiating for the movie rights.

What more proof do we need that animals are indeed behaving badly, or in this case, behaving very baaadly. What’s next, killer guinea pigs!

Petting zoos should be put on high alert. Goats in petting zoos should be asked nicely to wear padded helmets and moms need to warn the kids not to turn their backs and bend over near the goats.

Animal behaviorists theorize that some animals may resent human’s haughty attitude at being at the top of the evolutionary food chain. They point to the fact that we openly eat animals as part of our diet and that some humans wear animal furs or skins.  They say animals might see this as taunting them. The rumor that the hiker had a lucky rabbit’s foot in his pocket has yet to be confirmed.

Animals killing people is not new of course. In Africa, lions and tigers have been killing and eating people for years. Research reveals these lions and tigers associate humans with the taste of chickens. That’s right; they think we taste like chicken.

Here in the US, animals kill people all the time. Bears, mountain lions, bobcats, alligators, snakes and sharks kill people regularly. I haven’t been in the ocean in years.

I believe that animals are conspiring against us. Even my own dog and cat look at me like they want to kill me if I don’t get them a treat or clean the litter box. It’s common for deer to jump in front of moving cars in suicide attacks against humans. And that airplane that had to land on the Hudson River in New York-- if you think its two engines were snuffed out at the exact same time by two geese was an accident, you’re just in denial.

I mean when bees become killers, the writing’s on the wall people. It’s only a matter of time now fire ants will go from swarming and stinging us to swarming and killing us.

Right now,  packs of bunnies and squirrels are in my yard smoking cigarettes and flashing gangs signs as they eye me menacingly, gesturing how they’re going to take me down with a high/low move—squirrels drop on my neck while bunnies grab me by my pant cuffs.

I’m never going outside again.