Got a problem? There’s an e-mail for that.

Got a problem? There’s an e-mail for that.

By Paul Greeley

I’ve found the solution to nearly all of my life’s problems. Actually, the solutions mysteriously find me. Every day, my computer separates them from the regular junk e-mail I get from family and friends and conveniently collects them in an e-mail folder titled, SPAM, which I assume stands for, Stop Paul’s Anxiety Mail.  How does the computer know which is the good e-mail and which isn’t?

Anyway, I can choose which problem I want to solve merely by looking at what’s in the Subject line.

For example, if I need money, not only can I get it, but I have choices depending on how fast I need it. I can get Fast Cash in 60 Minutes, or 400 Bucks in your Checking Account in 1-2 Days, or get it snail-mailed by clicking on The Check’s in the Mail. Government Grant Money is also available if I need it. And with all this free money, I’ll never need to Get an Emergency Loan Fast.

But with these free services, who needs money?

I could get No Charge Cell Phones. But I won’t really need that once I Kiss Phone Bills Goodbye.

Watching TV will be better once I’ve got No More Cable Bills. I won’t hesitate to fix my car because I intend to Never Pay for Auto Repairs Again. And when solicitors knock on my door asking how my roof is doing, I tell them no thanks, because I know How to Get Home Repairs at No Cost.

I can Experience Costa Rica for Free while I enjoy A Cruise Vacation at No Cost.

And since no one cares what I think about anything, even though I offer it free, I’ll turn those into a revenue source when I Get Paid for Your Opinion.

All my horticultural needs are solved here. I can now Get 16,000 Blueberries from a Single Plant. I don’t know how many blueberries you eat, but I’m thinking one plant is all I need. And I can either Get Amazing 8 foot Tall Tomatoes Trees or Produce Up to 180 lbs of Super-Sized Tomatoes. I didn’t know tomatoes grew on trees!

I hate to mow my lawn anytime, so I probably won’t want to Get Beautiful Grass All Year Round.

And it should be so quiet and peaceful in the yard once I forward this to my neighbors, Stop Your Dog from Barking

Local Maids Want to Help Me—I wonder how they know my house needs cleaning.

And I love the invitations. I’ve been invited to join the Playboy Bunny Cyber Club and The Monthly Club for Shoe Lovers.

Since I’m curious about my time on earth, someday I’ll click on When will You Die? Take this Test to Find Out---even though I don’t do well on tests.

I was surprised to see that my Certificate of Achievement is Ready.

And I can get it sent to my house gratis once I click on I Scream, You Scream, We all Scream for Free Shipping!

And although I’ve been accused of having a PhD in BS, I still want to Become a Doctor of Anything.

And if you’ve got a problem with that, by all means, e-mail me.