If I were a housewife, I would sue
the creators of “Real Housewives of New York” (and New Jersey, Atlanta, DC, LA,
Dubai and a soon to be announced small town version, Podunk) for
slander, libel, defamation of character, and conduct unbecoming a housewife.
These shows sully the well-earned
reputations of every housewife in America. Where do they find these women? Ads
on Craigslist?
Wanted: Women who are self-absorbed, self-important,
vacuous, shallow, self-centered, petty and catty. Must be mostly rich through
marriage and divorce. It’s OK if you’re connected, if you catch our drift. Should
spend your days getting boozed up. We’re looking for women with breast
enhancements who wear tight jeans or fancy dresses with spiked heels day or
night regardless of body type. Must spend most of your time planning parties
with themes, going to parties with themes, and fighting at parties with
themes. Must like to argue, take sides, and
talk behind friends’ backs and sometimes to their faces. Must live lives that
are more soap opera than any scripted soap opera on TV. We’re looking for women
who have no jobs, never clean the house or shop for groceries. Women who have socially
redeeming characteristics, take up social causes, or are concerned about the
economy, wars, or the human condition need not apply.
I can see finding someone who has
one or two of these dubious characteristics, but all of them! And pity the poor
guys unfortunate enough to be married to one of these housewives. We rarely see
them as they’re probably working 8 days a week to finance the plastic surgeries
and shopping sprees for new homes, new cars, clothes, and jewelry.
I think they should get their own
reality show, “The Wimps Married to the Real Housewives”. And what about their
children! Surely, some child protection agency should step in to keep this
vicious cycle from repeating itself!
These housewives are just unreal,
literally.
